I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
