my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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