I've blown a few things in my day
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
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