Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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