im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize
