I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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