Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
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