Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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