I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
