Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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