I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
