I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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