i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
