my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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