I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize