when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
