I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
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