I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
