My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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