My hair reeks of homosexuality.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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