oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
