Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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