We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize