wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
