do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
