At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
