Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
