So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
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