If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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