Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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