Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize