Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
