if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I'm like, not good at living.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
