apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
