My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
