a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
