Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
