I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
