I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
