This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Just pee around me
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
