I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize