I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
