So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
