Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
