God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
