Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
