What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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