I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Randomize