A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
