The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
