we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
