my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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