You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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