My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
