Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
