her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
