I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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