i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
