I'm gonna have a badass scar
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
i came on her dog
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
