I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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