ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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