Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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