went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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