I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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