I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Randomize
