The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
