my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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